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Life is real only then, when "I am"

Gurdjieff: consciousness and the automatic experiencings

Prologue

sábado 29 de setembro de 2018

During the period of my greatest occupation? with writing, the quality? of my labor?-ability and its productivity? was always the result of, and was dependent upon, the length and gravity of the constating with my active mentation of the automatic—that is, passive—experiencings of suffering? proceeding in me concerning these two, for me, nearest women? [his wife and mother].

For already from the very beginning?, when I was physically quite helpless, I approached my writing feeling? sure beyond a shadow? of doubt? of the hopelessness of their health and of their imminent deaths?. From then on, there began to happen this: as soon as my active mentation in regard to the writing question? weakened a little, immediately all the spiritual parts of my presence began to associate in me only about them.

As every kind of association about them entailed always the process? of suffering—so I, in order? not to experience this unpleasant process, immediately buried myself in the question of writing.

It is necessary? here to confess that my sufferings were chiefly on behalf of my wife.

In this, as I now understand it, my so to say "implacable revolt" against the injustice of casual, self?-willed destiny played a great part.

The trouble was that while I was considered by many people at that time (and perhaps even now still am, I don’t know) the sole man on earth? who could cure completely this illness of hers, nevertheless, at the given time, because of my own illness, I could not do this.

The aplomb which I manifested just now can be, if wished, justified and adequately understood by every reader if he will read only one chapter from my writings on the subject? of "the laws? of vibrations."

And thus, with turbulent feelings and wild thoughts?, swaying as if blind? drunk, I somehow made my way from the park to my room.

There?, without undressing, I lay down on my bed and, contrary to all habits?, fell asleep immediately and slept through the whole night.

And the next morning, when I did awake?, the constatation that I had made the previous night recalled itself.

I began once more to remember? these things? and to compare them.

And this time, beyond any doubt, I again established that during the first? three years of my authorship, my labor-ability, as well as my productivity, in reality? at all times strictly corresponded in its duration with the length and quality of the, so to say, "degree of contact" between my consciousness? and the suffering proceeding in me on? behalf of my mother and my wife.

My labor-ability at that time was indeed phenomenal?, for I wrote and rewrote at least 10,000 kilos of paper and touched upon almost all questions which could possibly arise in the mentation of man in general.

The establishment at this time, with a fresh mind?, of such a fact? perplexed me seriously.

It perplexed me seriously because I already knew, and had been convinced before without any doubt, thanks to my own manifold experience, that although it is possible to attain any self-imposed aim it can only be done exclusively through conscious suffering.

To explain my case, however, by such an objective? possibility was utterly impossible.

And it was impossible to explain because in this particular? case I suffered unconsciously, while this process proceeded in me automatically in accordance with my typicality and the accidental crystallization in it of corresponding psychic factors.

The interest? that arose in my being? this morning was of such strength that the "being-thirst" possessing me—to find at any cost an exit from my difficult situation—entirely disappeared, and in its place? arose an unconquerable desire to learn the reason? for this.

Namely, to learn why and in what manner my suffering in this instance could assist in the increase of my labor-ability.

The beneficent result for me from this "Inner-World? Revolution?" occurring within me was that from that moment on I could freely, without influence of partial feelings, again think? in my habitual way.

The totality of such mentation of mine led to this, that, in the evening while watching the children around the Christmas tree and their unrestrained joy?, there suddenly, as if by itself, came into existence? in me a conviction? of the full possibility of attaining all the three tasks indispensable for me, through the forces of the inner-world struggle?. Namely, those forces which arise in every person? due to incessant friction between his consciousness and the automatic experiencings of his nature?.

I remember very well that because of my just-mentioned conviction my whole being was filled as if by some singular?, never till now experienced, feeling of joy.

Simultaneously with this, in me of itself, and without any manipulation on my part, there appeared the sensation? of so to say "self-remembering," also of a never-before-experienced vigor?. (Tr. Orage et alii, p. 39-42)


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